When Your Foe is Your Own Offspring - Rebellious Children

A huge fight broke out between parent and child.  A son or daughter wanted to feel love, needed attention from a parent, had been repeatedly hurt by both parents, and felt left out on major decisions.  He or she hoped to express his or her opinion without being shut down.  But the demanding parent or guardian oftentimes didn't want to be questioned.  He or she wanted a good child, one who listened and obeyed without rebellion. 

The other parent out of sight out of mind at least to the former lover, but not to the child, "That is still my mom...my dad!" The overwhelmed single parent noticed others were going through similar things with their children, but their problem, they weren't willing to make any major adjustments to alleviate parental challenges.  Funny, a parent can see what is wrong with others' relationships with children, but not his or her own.  So a child grows up to be a young adult, and what is left of a poor connection between one and parent?

No matter how much one prays, trusts God, attends church service, or have others to pray, if there is an unwillingness to reconnect with one another in a healthy and hopeful way while seeking healing for the troubled mind, there will be more lows than highs in any relationship.  Casting aside toxic distractions, people, things, etc. is part of the process in an attempt to bridge a gap or obtain some healing for a broken connection with a child.  But if the distraction is someone or something that the parent or guardian favors, he or she might end up choosing the person, place or thing over the child who has given him or her so much grief.  No matter what the reason might be for making such a choice, the point is the child now feels rejected.

Rejection leads to a twisted mindset in time--a spiritual schizophrenia looking for love in all the wrong places.  "Why mom, why dad...you didn't want me!  Well I will seek someone/something who does!" 

It isn't any wonder why people make the choices that they make when it comes to: choosing a dysfunctional partner like themselves, having sex with multiple partners in a short period of time, making money with shady businesses, working unfulfilling jobs, choosing over-priced education for a coveted title, attempting to parent others' children when they can barely take care of their own, and more during times when they are ill-equipped to handle themselves much less responsibilities related to major life decisions. 

If one has a child who is often in trouble, difficult to handle, has a mental challenge, angry with the other parent, using drugs or alcohol heavily, and doing other things that drive a parent up the wall, why expect he or she to go along with too much of anything that you might suggest?  Your personal happiness is irrelevant, how much you have done for he or she is unimportant, and who you might bring into that child's life is the least of one's concerns.  But what is of major concern to a child is being heard.  You can love a child until he or she is blue in the face, yet if there are inconstancies in that love and it is based on the child performing rather than just being, then of course he or she doesn't feel loved (refer to I Corinthians 13, do you really love your child?)  Throw in "training up a child" and sure you give them God, but what about your time/love/energy/kindness?  He or she gravitates to Him and only Him.

Children don't come into this world wanting to be a problem for a parent.  They don't always sit back and orchestrate a plan to divide couples (although some do).  They don't set out on a mission to tear up your clean and organized home.  Their intentions are not to hurt a sibling and upset you, connect with a bad friend to shame you, or run and tell other relatives just how bad a parent you might be, rather they do have a place within their mind, body and spirit that is after peace and contentment.  Notice what they do really isn't about you, but a self-absorbed parent believes everything that a child does is about him or her.  Take "me, I, self" out of the equation and you will find that your purpose is to serve others including your child--there is no age limit on service.  People in the church and out of the church are typically able-bodied people, but they have their emotional and physical needs and so too are rebellious children. 

Kids know that if they don't "straighten up" or "tow the line" there will be consequences.  However, for the ineffective parent, sons and daughters aren't the least bit concerned about him or her enforcing the rules, because the parent might have a long track record of being a push over and doesn't want to hurt their children's feelings.  He or she most likely went to battle with the other parent for their children so they know he or she is the weak link.  You know as an adult how people get over on weak, gullible and insecure people.  Children aren't blind, they can see and smell fear and weakness.  This is why some children don't hesitate to intimidate or guilt ineffective parents--there is no healthy fear or respect for a parent like this.  Worse, if the child or children has witnessed a mother weak to a man or vice versa such as:  backing down via intimidation during disagreements, accommodating the bully, and mistreated in other ways like lying and cheating, the child or young adult might mimic what he or she viewed growing up.  Don't believe this is occurring with some of you readers?  Well pay attention the next time you argue with a partner whether in front of a child or in the next room.  It won't be long before you get in a disagreement with the kid and he or she will test you by raising his or her voice, cursing, slamming doors, and acting in similar ways that you or your partner acted toward one another.  You say you love a partner, but in a child's eyes. you have a funny way of showing it.

So when you find yourself or you know of someone who feels like he or she is fighting a foe, in this case, a child, know that it is due to the fact that he or she didn't demonstrate quality parenting skills early on and allowed his or her selfish desires to take priority over the child's need for love and attention.  But it is never too late to be the kind of parent who makes wrongs right. 

Parenting goes beyond spending dollars and cents on a child's favorite stuff or a young adult's college education, or making a contribution to an older son or daughter's wedding plans.  Consider what our heavenly Father wants from us, a relationship.  He welcomes us with loving and open arms to cast our burdens on to Him.  He doesn't throw up a long list of things he has done for us unless we desire a war with Him and if so, your hands are too short to box with an Awesome God, you will lose!  Yet, selfish, ineffective, demanding, and mentally ill parents will try to debate truth, the meaning of love, turn a blind eye to their poor decisions while blaming a child and the list goes on.  Then they wonder why they are not acknowledged during man-made holidays.  They guilt children into buying for them and use scripture to justify their many sins. 

Honor is earned.  God is love.  Children are gifts.  Your adversary is Satan not the child.  When you welcome all people, places and things related to the devil and his children of darkness, he will wreck havoc in your life as well as others whom you love very much. 

Cast out Satan not the child in Jesus mighty name!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and Face Your Foe on Confronting the Critics.