Tired of arguing with your ex? Isn’t that the reason why you both couldn’t
make it in your relationship anyway? Why
not, make up in your mind that you will not stress yourself out anymore over
what he or she says or does? If the
subject you are doing battle with the ex is not about something that will kill
you or the children, why the fuss? Learn
how to move past the temper tantrums and onward to a healthy relationship.
1) Pleasant phone conversation
When he or she calls you, make a point to sound like you are
in a good mood even if you are not. A
negative person will be thrown off by your behavior; they may even forget why
they even called. Don’t be surprised if
your ex may even be jealous. Exchange
pleasantries such as “How are you? What
can I do for you? How is the family?”
2) Sticking with the reason why you called
If you are the one who contacted your ex, then you will want
to not only be positive, but also get to the point. Who wants to stay on the phone with someone
they don’t like? However, you don’t want
he or she to be reminded of how much you disdain them, so don’t rush your
sentences and stick to conversing only about the reason why you called. Avoid beating around the bush.
3) Arranging a date and time to meet
Let’s say you would like to see the children and live far
away. You may want to arrange a place
for you and the ex to meet to transfer the children between you. With a request like this, it will take some
effort on his or her part and if he or she is unreasonable, they may want to
argue. Be prepared for the opposition before
you make the call and propose another arrangement. Remember to state how the visit will benefit
them. For example, “You may need some
time to yourself, I have no problem taking the children off your hands for a
few days, how does that sound?” Don’t
give up with your requests. Keep asking
until eventually he or she will have to say yes.
4) Staying positive during the meeting
When you do see one another face to face, be sure you are
looking your best. You don’t want to
give an impression that you are heartbroken and worn out about the
breakup. Be happy even when the new
girlfriend or boyfriend is sitting in the passenger seat of the car. If you can demonstrate some self-control, you
will have won the battle! Remember why
you left the relationship and why you are working to become a better person,
this kind of thinking will make you feel better about you and will help you to
avoid the feelings of missing he or she.
During the meeting, don’t do or say anything that you will regret later.
5) Avoiding negative conversation about ex with family and friends
Family and friends are not very supportive of talking
positive about the ex. You may say
something negative to them and like cheerleaders they will lead you into
negative thinking you don’t need. Avoid
the conversations about the past whenever possible. When you find the conversation is going that
way, just change it, by talking about something else.
6) Being thoughtful at times to your ex
When children are involved, you know that you will have to
act civil with your ex even when you don’t feel like it. If you rather not, your children will think
it’s okay to act like a fool. You may
even want to let your ex know you are okay with how you both are handling
matters, by simply sending a birthday card once in awhile or buying a simple
gift for he or she that the children picked out.
7) Making the best of a bad situation
You can make the best out of every negative comment and act
committed by your ex. When he or she
talks negatively about you to the children, use that situation as an
opportunity to teach them how to treat people.
When the ex doesn’t take care of his or her responsibilities, make a
list and use it later in court. If the
ex’s family is acting irrational, use situations to your advantage where you
look like you have it together.
8) Conversing with the children
Your children will ask questions and they will also express
how they feel about mom and dad breaking up.
Allow them to vent about it.
However, even if they bad-mouth mom or dad don’t agree or encourage the
negative comments. Listen to what they
are saying, but also teach them about respect.
You don’t want them to grow up to be disrespectful to everyone around
them as a result of their experience.
9) Handling conflict
It won’t always be positive when talking with the ex. Therefore, when conflict arises try not to
yell or be tempted to engage in conversations that will lead to name calling,
cussing, etc. If you feel the
conversation is getting heated, there is nothing wrong with putting him or her
on hold, changing the subject, becoming silent on the phone, or telling him or
her you will have to end the conversation because you have other business to
handle. Whatever it takes to take
control over your emotions, do it. You
aren’t responsible for his or her reaction to how you handle the conversation.
10) Allowing your ex to be a parent
As much as you despise the arrangement with visitation,
custody issues, and any thing else related to your children’s location, don’t
present yourself as a domineering, controlling lunatic with your ex. Explain to he or she what you do at your home
(when necessary such as the children telling them something about your
household and your ex questions it) and always describe activities in a
positive way. It isn’t any of his or her
business exactly how you conduct your day with the children, no more than it is
your business. If you find that he or
she is doing something harmful to the children, then by all means stand up for
them and contact the necessary authorities.
Nicholl McGuire
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