10 Tips on Having an Amicable Relationship with the Ex

Tired of arguing with your ex?  Isn’t that the reason why you both couldn’t make it in your relationship anyway?  Why not, make up in your mind that you will not stress yourself out anymore over what he or she says or does?  If the subject you are doing battle with the ex is not about something that will kill you or the children, why the fuss?  Learn how to move past the temper tantrums and onward to a healthy relationship.

1) Pleasant phone conversation

When he or she calls you, make a point to sound like you are in a good mood even if you are not.  A negative person will be thrown off by your behavior; they may even forget why they even called.  Don’t be surprised if your ex may even be jealous.  Exchange pleasantries such as “How are you?  What can I do for you?  How is the family?”

2) Sticking with the reason why you called

If you are the one who contacted your ex, then you will want to not only be positive, but also get to the point.  Who wants to stay on the phone with someone they don’t like?  However, you don’t want he or she to be reminded of how much you disdain them, so don’t rush your sentences and stick to conversing only about the reason why you called.  Avoid beating around the bush.

3) Arranging a date and time to meet

Let’s say you would like to see the children and live far away.  You may want to arrange a place for you and the ex to meet to transfer the children between you.  With a request like this, it will take some effort on his or her part and if he or she is unreasonable, they may want to argue.  Be prepared for the opposition before you make the call and propose another arrangement.  Remember to state how the visit will benefit them.  For example, “You may need some time to yourself, I have no problem taking the children off your hands for a few days, how does that sound?”  Don’t give up with your requests.  Keep asking until eventually he or she will have to say yes. 

4) Staying positive during the meeting

When you do see one another face to face, be sure you are looking your best.  You don’t want to give an impression that you are heartbroken and worn out about the breakup.  Be happy even when the new girlfriend or boyfriend is sitting in the passenger seat of the car.  If you can demonstrate some self-control, you will have won the battle!  Remember why you left the relationship and why you are working to become a better person, this kind of thinking will make you feel better about you and will help you to avoid the feelings of missing he or she.  During the meeting, don’t do or say anything that you will regret later.

5) Avoiding negative conversation about ex with family and friends

Family and friends are not very supportive of talking positive about the ex.  You may say something negative to them and like cheerleaders they will lead you into negative thinking you don’t need.  Avoid the conversations about the past whenever possible.  When you find the conversation is going that way, just change it, by talking about something else.

6) Being thoughtful at times to your ex

When children are involved, you know that you will have to act civil with your ex even when you don’t feel like it.  If you rather not, your children will think it’s okay to act like a fool.  You may even want to let your ex know you are okay with how you both are handling matters, by simply sending a birthday card once in awhile or buying a simple gift for he or she that the children picked out. 

7) Making the best of a bad situation

You can make the best out of every negative comment and act committed by your ex.  When he or she talks negatively about you to the children, use that situation as an opportunity to teach them how to treat people.  When the ex doesn’t take care of his or her responsibilities, make a list and use it later in court.  If the ex’s family is acting irrational, use situations to your advantage where you look like you have it together.

8) Conversing with the children

Your children will ask questions and they will also express how they feel about mom and dad breaking up.  Allow them to vent about it.  However, even if they bad-mouth mom or dad don’t agree or encourage the negative comments.  Listen to what they are saying, but also teach them about respect.  You don’t want them to grow up to be disrespectful to everyone around them as a result of their experience.

9) Handling conflict

It won’t always be positive when talking with the ex.  Therefore, when conflict arises try not to yell or be tempted to engage in conversations that will lead to name calling, cussing, etc.  If you feel the conversation is getting heated, there is nothing wrong with putting him or her on hold, changing the subject, becoming silent on the phone, or telling him or her you will have to end the conversation because you have other business to handle.  Whatever it takes to take control over your emotions, do it.  You aren’t responsible for his or her reaction to how you handle the conversation.

10) Allowing your ex to be a parent

As much as you despise the arrangement with visitation, custody issues, and any thing else related to your children’s location, don’t present yourself as a domineering, controlling lunatic with your ex.  Explain to he or she what you do at your home (when necessary such as the children telling them something about your household and your ex questions it) and always describe activities in a positive way.  It isn’t any of his or her business exactly how you conduct your day with the children, no more than it is your business.  If you find that he or she is doing something harmful to the children, then by all means stand up for them and contact the necessary authorities.  

Nicholl McGuire 

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When Your Foe is Your Own Offspring - Rebellious Children

A huge fight broke out between parent and child.  A son or daughter wanted to feel love, needed attention from a parent, had been repeatedly hurt by both parents, and felt left out on major decisions.  He or she hoped to express his or her opinion without being shut down.  But the demanding parent or guardian oftentimes didn't want to be questioned.  He or she wanted a good child, one who listened and obeyed without rebellion. 

The other parent out of sight out of mind at least to the former lover, but not to the child, "That is still my mom...my dad!" The overwhelmed single parent noticed others were going through similar things with their children, but their problem, they weren't willing to make any major adjustments to alleviate parental challenges.  Funny, a parent can see what is wrong with others' relationships with children, but not his or her own.  So a child grows up to be a young adult, and what is left of a poor connection between one and parent?

No matter how much one prays, trusts God, attends church service, or have others to pray, if there is an unwillingness to reconnect with one another in a healthy and hopeful way while seeking healing for the troubled mind, there will be more lows than highs in any relationship.  Casting aside toxic distractions, people, things, etc. is part of the process in an attempt to bridge a gap or obtain some healing for a broken connection with a child.  But if the distraction is someone or something that the parent or guardian favors, he or she might end up choosing the person, place or thing over the child who has given him or her so much grief.  No matter what the reason might be for making such a choice, the point is the child now feels rejected.

Rejection leads to a twisted mindset in time--a spiritual schizophrenia looking for love in all the wrong places.  "Why mom, why dad...you didn't want me!  Well I will seek someone/something who does!" 

It isn't any wonder why people make the choices that they make when it comes to: choosing a dysfunctional partner like themselves, having sex with multiple partners in a short period of time, making money with shady businesses, working unfulfilling jobs, choosing over-priced education for a coveted title, attempting to parent others' children when they can barely take care of their own, and more during times when they are ill-equipped to handle themselves much less responsibilities related to major life decisions. 

If one has a child who is often in trouble, difficult to handle, has a mental challenge, angry with the other parent, using drugs or alcohol heavily, and doing other things that drive a parent up the wall, why expect he or she to go along with too much of anything that you might suggest?  Your personal happiness is irrelevant, how much you have done for he or she is unimportant, and who you might bring into that child's life is the least of one's concerns.  But what is of major concern to a child is being heard.  You can love a child until he or she is blue in the face, yet if there are inconstancies in that love and it is based on the child performing rather than just being, then of course he or she doesn't feel loved (refer to I Corinthians 13, do you really love your child?)  Throw in "training up a child" and sure you give them God, but what about your time/love/energy/kindness?  He or she gravitates to Him and only Him.

Children don't come into this world wanting to be a problem for a parent.  They don't always sit back and orchestrate a plan to divide couples (although some do).  They don't set out on a mission to tear up your clean and organized home.  Their intentions are not to hurt a sibling and upset you, connect with a bad friend to shame you, or run and tell other relatives just how bad a parent you might be, rather they do have a place within their mind, body and spirit that is after peace and contentment.  Notice what they do really isn't about you, but a self-absorbed parent believes everything that a child does is about him or her.  Take "me, I, self" out of the equation and you will find that your purpose is to serve others including your child--there is no age limit on service.  People in the church and out of the church are typically able-bodied people, but they have their emotional and physical needs and so too are rebellious children. 

Kids know that if they don't "straighten up" or "tow the line" there will be consequences.  However, for the ineffective parent, sons and daughters aren't the least bit concerned about him or her enforcing the rules, because the parent might have a long track record of being a push over and doesn't want to hurt their children's feelings.  He or she most likely went to battle with the other parent for their children so they know he or she is the weak link.  You know as an adult how people get over on weak, gullible and insecure people.  Children aren't blind, they can see and smell fear and weakness.  This is why some children don't hesitate to intimidate or guilt ineffective parents--there is no healthy fear or respect for a parent like this.  Worse, if the child or children has witnessed a mother weak to a man or vice versa such as:  backing down via intimidation during disagreements, accommodating the bully, and mistreated in other ways like lying and cheating, the child or young adult might mimic what he or she viewed growing up.  Don't believe this is occurring with some of you readers?  Well pay attention the next time you argue with a partner whether in front of a child or in the next room.  It won't be long before you get in a disagreement with the kid and he or she will test you by raising his or her voice, cursing, slamming doors, and acting in similar ways that you or your partner acted toward one another.  You say you love a partner, but in a child's eyes. you have a funny way of showing it.

So when you find yourself or you know of someone who feels like he or she is fighting a foe, in this case, a child, know that it is due to the fact that he or she didn't demonstrate quality parenting skills early on and allowed his or her selfish desires to take priority over the child's need for love and attention.  But it is never too late to be the kind of parent who makes wrongs right. 

Parenting goes beyond spending dollars and cents on a child's favorite stuff or a young adult's college education, or making a contribution to an older son or daughter's wedding plans.  Consider what our heavenly Father wants from us, a relationship.  He welcomes us with loving and open arms to cast our burdens on to Him.  He doesn't throw up a long list of things he has done for us unless we desire a war with Him and if so, your hands are too short to box with an Awesome God, you will lose!  Yet, selfish, ineffective, demanding, and mentally ill parents will try to debate truth, the meaning of love, turn a blind eye to their poor decisions while blaming a child and the list goes on.  Then they wonder why they are not acknowledged during man-made holidays.  They guilt children into buying for them and use scripture to justify their many sins. 

Honor is earned.  God is love.  Children are gifts.  Your adversary is Satan not the child.  When you welcome all people, places and things related to the devil and his children of darkness, he will wreck havoc in your life as well as others whom you love very much. 

Cast out Satan not the child in Jesus mighty name!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and Face Your Foe on Confronting the Critics.  

Before Your Wife Became a Foe - 10 Things You Did or Still Do to Win Her Heart

In the past, you have done fabulous things that have won favor with your wife, but things might have changed with every moment you felt like you were helping rather than hurting her or being hurt when she was only trying to help (Proverbs 12:4).  

It may be time to rekindle the fire in your marriage, so you will need to think of the things that really enhanced your relationship.  You may still be doing some of those things.  Once you have thought of those special moments, add the following to your list and make a point to do each one just “as long as you both shall live!” (Proverbs 18:22)

One.  You take the time to call her when you are away from her.  It doesn’t seem like much, but she appreciates your caring enough about her day to ask her about it. (Proverbs 31:10)

Two.  You visit her unexpectedly.  She may have told you that she will be working late at the job, so you arrive just as she gets off of work with flowers in your hand. (2 Samuel 2:6)

Three.  You surprise her with a vacation and/or gift.  Sometimes daily living becomes rather dull.  A nice surprise like this makes life worth living!  You may have done this back when you dated her, now is the time to try it again. (Hebrews 13:16, Galatians 6:2)

Four.  You talk positively about her to family and friends.  There is nothing that puts a smile on a woman’s face faster, when she knows that her husband speaks lovely about her.  This tells her that you not only say you love her, but everyone else knows it too. (Matthew 19:4-6, Joshua 2:12)

Five.  You kiss and/or hold her without anticipating she have sex with you.  When a man does this it makes her more likely to have sex with you.  She likes to feel the sense of love, security, admiration, and other feelings that come with being held. (Mark 10:6-9)

Six.  You compliment her on how she looks.  Women take the time to pick out clothes, get their hair and nails done, and so much more.  When a man notices her new look it helps her feel more confident that she has made wise choices.  She will often work to make herself look even better for you the next time. (Ephesians 4:32)

Seven.  You look at her while she is talking to you.  By doing this, you have made a point to tell her that you care about what she says.  She will be more apt to share more with you about her feelings just by you making this simple gesture. (Colossians 3:18-19)

Eight.  You tell her how special she is and say, “I love you” without her initiating the conversation.  Making a point to share your feelings without her having to engage you in this sort of conversation will do much for your relationship, because she can be at ease with feelings of insecurity that tend to arise after incidents of mistrust. (I Corinthians 7:1-16)

Nine.  You assist her with household chores without her asking.  Don’t you like it when someone assists you with a task?  Helping her with chores is considerate, your mom would be proud! (Proverbs 11:17)

Ten.  You tell her that she doesn’t have to do anything for you, but love you.  There is so much said in this statement.  The world demands so much from each and every one of us, when someone tells us that we are not obligated to do anything it makes us want to do more.  Remind her that she is special to you and that you didn’t marry her because of what she does for you, but because of who she is!  (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

By doing any of these tips often, someone reading this will surely have some needed pleasure from the wife! (Proverbs 5:18-19). Take a moment to pray and ask God for wisdom on what you might be overlooking that is contributing to ongoing problems between you and the wife.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Face Your Foe on Confronting the Critics.

7 Things You Should Pray For Often

The following seven things are the most important things you should pray about when speaking with God.  As you will see in the Bible, prophets prayed for these things and supernatural miracles happened for many of them.  When you feel up or down in your life, pray.  A healthy spiritual life is key to combating the perils of this life.  May the following seven prayer requests renew you in mind, body, and spirit. 

One.  Healing and health is what sustains us each day.  Without being healed from a sickness you can’t be of much help to someone else.  When you are not ill, it is best to thank God for the health you already have and remember someone who may not be doing so well with his or her health.

Two.  Wisdom is what you will need in whatever you do.  How can you know what to do in a situation when you have no knowledge?  Sometimes a book to read, conversing with someone, or Internet research is simply not enough.  You may have to look to something greater than man or thing to get the answers you need to solve your problems. 

Three.  Protection from harm and danger is essential when you fear what you don’t know.  How do you know when you leave your home today, you will be coming back without injury, better yet, alive?  How do you know that your adventure seeking family member will come back safe after challenging his fate yet again?  These are experiences that happen to people often and wouldn’t it be nice to know that someone cares enough to pray?

Four.  Family and friends and anyone you come in contact with on a daily basis.  Most people don’t realize that when they share a problem with a friend, subconsciously they are looking for something more than sympathy.  They want answers and encouragement.  The next time someone tells you about their aching back or troubled relationship, secretly pray for them.

Five.  Prosperity financially, spiritually, and mentally.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with praying for a financial increase, spiritual renewal, or mental strength to handle the next challenge set before you.  If you can ask someone for money, seek a psychologist for mental health, or sit down and listen to a minister counsel you, then why not ask God first?

Six.  The ability to see signs and wonders.  God is still blessing millions of people with miracles.  If you need him to give you a sign your situation is already being handled by Him, then why not ask for a sign?  However, you will need to pray the following to be sure that the sign you are awaiting for is not a trick from the evil one.

Seven.  Discernment.  Too many people go into situations not knowing who is friend or foe.  Wouldn’t you like to know who indeed is on your side at work?  What family member really doesn’t love you?  And why certain people seem to always be around you when you need them?  The only way you will be able to see the goodness as well as the evil in some people is by praying for the gift of discernment.  However, a gift like this isn’t dispensed to everyone, only God’s chosen and the only way you can become one of God’s people is if you accept Him.  Easier said than done.

Nicholl McGuire

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